We emailed, talked, met and then nothing. How can you tell if someone is interested in you?
Men just want to be my friend, not my boyfriend. What should I do?
I can't get over my ex, but want to move on...
I'm not ready to have sex yet, am I a prude?
20 dates on and I still can't get to date two - is it because I'm American?
I'm not attracted to their photo, but loved their emails - am I judging people too quickly?
Is my honesty turning men off?
Can distance and children be a problem in a new relationship?
How do you write a good profile to attract the right type of person?
Should I reveal my real name in an email?
I don't think I'm fussy but I judge a book by its cover...
When I meet women I just don't seem to be attracted to them. Is it my personality?

We emailed, talked, met and then nothing. How can you tell if someone is interested in you?

Dear Nafsika

I hope you can give me some advice. My heart was broken last year and I am finally getting over it. A few months ago I started to date again but could never find anyone who came close to the man who left me. Last night I met a man from your site with whom I have been emailing a little over the last few months and with whom I had a lovely conversation on the phone. His emails are not very regular, he is a professional man with a very successful and busy career and became a widower in May last year (been married for 19 years). He told me he is ready to move on. However the laid-back attitude nearly put me off. I somehow think if a man really likes you he needs to be chasing you regularly. Anyway, we finally met last night and he was so lovely! Looked great, a real gentleman. In fact, he ticked all my boxes. We talked so easily about real stuff. I felt we really clicked. It was great. But then, when we said goodbye, he did not say "I will call you" or anything like that. Just "nice to meet you" kind of stuff and he seemed slightly embarrassed/shy. No promise, no indication. Wow, what's wrong with me? I am interesting, successful, attractive, kind, and sensitive. I am starting to lose confidence. Is it strange to expect a guy to make it clear that he wants to see you again? The way he left it was the same as what I do when I don't like someone enough. Could I be reading this so wrongly? Should I wait for him to contact me? Should I just move on? But it is so rare I meet anyone I truly like!

Thank you!

Anna

Dear Anna

A man who was widowed only 9 months ago and who was previously married for 19 years is unlikely to be up to date with the etiquette of dating - how often you should email, what you should say at the end of a date etc, so it is likely that he's just being cautious. On the other hand, the experience of going on a date may have caused him to feel some ambivalent feelings. It is very common for people to feel very guilty if they like someone so soon after a partner's death. He may have thought he was ready to move on but that doesn't necessarily mean he really was. In such a situation there is really no reason to take rejection personally - it probably has nothing to do with you.

I don't think you have much to gain from 'playing hard to get' although clearly you don't want to be very pushy either. My advice would be to get in touch, see how it goes and if everything seems ok, suggest another date. If he likes you and he's ready for another relationship there's no reason why he would be put off by that. Otherwise, sooner or later, he'll tell you how he feels and then at least you'll know and it will be easier for you to move on, knowing you gave it your best shot.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

Men just want to be my friend, not my boyfriend. What should I do?

Dear Nafsika

My secret worry is that I'm doomed to always be the girl that's a "friend" not a "girlfriend". My confidence in this arena is pretty low because although I'm bubbly, outgoing and have both close friends and a wide social circle, I have never had a serious relationship, or one that lasted longer than 3 months. Most of my good friends are now married with kids, or living with their boyfriends and I feel like the child compared to the real grown-ups. Part of that anxiety I know stems from having a fairly strict religious upbringing - I was never allowed to date when living at home.

I have been on and off the site since January 2006 and in that time have met 13 or 14 people, and exchanged messages with loads more. Out of these, there were 2 that I really wanted a relationship with, and although we got on fantastically well and saw each other for a few months, both of them then said they weren't really over their exes, and just wanted to be friends. It was difficult, especially with the first one, who was quite happy to sleep with me, but insisted that we were only friends and it didn't mean anything, but we've got past that stage now and I can now call either of them up and chat about life and people we're dating without it being painful or awkward. They call me more than I call them, though, they both say I'm great fun and easy to talk to, which is nice, but sometimes makes me really angry. What am I doing wrong that makes me good to talk to, but not worth going out with? I could do with losing quite a bit of weight but I'm not horribly unattractive I don't think...? I wonder if I should be more elusive, and hard-to-get, but it's not natural to me to play games, I just want to be myself.

Any advice you can give would be very welcome!

Rachel

Dear Rachel

For most of us the ideal partner is someone who is a really good friend and who we really fancy. Of course some people, especially people who are quite young, inexperienced or a little immature have a much more idealised version of what an ideal partner is, so they might think it's someone who's mysterious, and out of reach. However, as anyone who's been in a relationship will tell you, being mysterious and hard-to-get are not qualities that can survive a week in a proper relationship, because a good relationship is defined by exactly the opposite -intimacy.

So don't waste time worrying about why these two blokes seem to like you a lot and fancy you enough to sleep with you but ultimately didn't want to have a relationship with you. Not everyone wants a relationship and not everyone wants a relationship which is intimate and loving. I think it is truly a case of it is their problem not yours. And maybe you ought to rethink your friendship with them. What do they really offer you as friends? Is your relationship equal or is it all about you listening and supporting them and not getting much back? To me, it doesn't sound like they treated you terribly well so remember, you don't have to 'get over' being angry, and you don't need to show them that you are fine with just being friends unless you genuinely believe that they are good friends and that your life is better with them in it.

However, going back to the original problem, do you think there is a chance that you too are a little quick to dismiss people? You say you only liked two out of 13-14 people you met, and that's a little low, although of course you may have just been unlucky. But it is possible, that precisely because of your upbringing and the fact you're not terribly comfortable with dating, you are a little reluctant to take a risk on someone who you're not that sure about. Maybe it's worth thinking about whether you are really giving everyone the chance they deserve. Don't let yourself develop a narrow idea of a 'type' who you think is right for you.

Being a good friend, good fun and easy to talk to are very important qualities that are crucial to being attractive to men and being a fantastic girlfriend. You just need to find men who are a bit more mature and able to appreciate that.

Best Wishes, Nafsika
PS I've also looked at your picture and you have nothing to worry about regarding your appearance.

I can't get over my ex, but want to move on...

Dear Nafsika

I met someone in my early 20s, just after I left university. He was my first serious boyfriend and I felt could talk to him about anything and we did lots of things together and I thought we had a good relationship. We lived together for a few years and then he wanted to break up, saying he didn't think it was working out. I was very upset and moved out but we stayed in touch and got back together. Two years later we got engaged and were planning our wedding. I'd moved back in again but 6 months later he changed his mind and I had to move out and start over.

That was 3 1/2 years ago and I still don't think I am over it. I got very depressed after we split up the 2nd time and had to go to counselling. Things got better after that and a change of job helped a lot in terms of getting back my self-esteem and confidence. I've now got to a stage where I find that men are interested in me again but every time I go out with someone, I just make comparisons to my ex fiancé and never find they match up. That's not to say he wasn't without his faults and I'm not looking for perfection. But I am worried I have unrealistic expectations or am just simply still in love with someone I can't get back. Perhaps, more worryingly, I find I get depressed when I get into a relationship. It brings back a lot of memories and I start to lose my confidence again when I feel that it should make me feel the opposite. I would like to get married and have children some day but I feel that's impossible when ironically I feel more confident and happy when I'm single.

I'm not really sure what to do. Do you have any advice?

Wendy

Dear Wendy

It's important for all of us to do the things that make us feel happy and you say that being in a relationship doesn't do that. In that case, it seems to me you need to be very careful not to push yourself to enter a relationship without being ready. I understand that you would like one day to have a family but in a sense that's not a very good reason to have a relationship. It's much more important to feel happy with a partner before you start thinking about having children. I know that there's a lot of pressure on women to have children 'before they run out of time' and while I'm not denying the existence of a biological clock, I think women often worry about it far more than they need to. So wait until you feel ready.

More generally, it is perfectly understandable that your relationship with your ex fiancé has really hurt you. He sounds like someone who had serious emotional problems as he obviously cared for you but was unable to commit himself. That kind of experience can be very damaging for your self esteem and your trust in your own judgement and you should be proud that you have come out of it as well as you have. In terms of finding someone new and comparing them to him, you need to remember that the ability to love and commit yourself to someone is about the most important factor in making a relationship work and clearly this was a quality your ex was seriously lacking in. So he was very far off from being perfect. Unfortunately, we are all prone to a terrible misunderstanding when we are faced with rejection -we think that if someone rejects us that means he was better than us. This leads to the combination of low self esteem and the adoration of the person who hurt us. In reality he rejected you, because he wasn't capable of sustaining a mature relationship.

In terms of why you are unhappy when you enter a relationship, could it be that you are getting together with men who are not good for you and may in some way resemble your ex? A relationship, as you have pointed out, should be making you feel happier and more confident or there's no point to it. But that will only be true if you go out with people who are loving and caring, who respect and admire you, not people who are rejecting and overly-critical.

I hope that helps, Nafsika

I'm not ready to have sex yet, am I a prude?

Dear Nafsika,

I have met a man who is ok but I find it difficult to relate to him. I feel we are running at different speeds: he is keen to have sex; I was keen but now I am not. I don't have a problem with a man desiring me once I know we care about each other and want to do other things together. I love sex but I have experienced being hurt when sex was not part of a happy relationship and I don't want to experience that again.

Am I being prudish?

I have had to tell this guy to slow down and cool off but honestly, every time he is in touch, he talks dirty or sends me dirty texts. It makes me feel anonymous and this could have been sexy if there was already some familiarity or comfort but under the circumstances (we have met twice) I don't feel comfortable.

Any thoughts? Is this just the paradox that stops men and women getting along? That their needs are in fact quite different?
Appreciate your ideas.

Thanks
Danielle

Dear Danielle

I don't think that men and women's needs are necessarily very different, both men and women need to be respected and have their partner respond to their needs and feelings. This is what's not happening in your situation, and there is nothing shameful or prudish about your reaction -you don't feel comfortable receiving dirty texts by someone you have only met twice, so tell him to stop it. A relationship should be about respect and empathy as well as attraction and if someone seems incapable of understanding your discomfort in the situation, then he is not treating you right. Perhaps you can give him another chance to redeem himself by telling him you are not happy with how he is behaving, but if he doesn't stop, end it.

Everyone has different comfort zones around sex and it doesn't matter if you and your partner are a bit different in this respect, but it does matter if you are unable to communicate this and if he is unable to respect it. You owe it to yourself to let him know very clearly that he is putting you off and then it's up to him to react like a gentleman or not. Don't worry about whether or not you're prudish, that's a meaningless value judgement, what matters is not to allow yourself to be bullied.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

20 dates on and I still can't get to date two - is it because I'm American?

Dear Nafsika,

I am in my first month of membership with Parship, but I have tried several other online dating sites previously. I am 30 years old, well-educated, well spoken, and I am told by both male and female friends that I am good company. I have had several long term relationships and, if one were to judge the number of contacts made and dates gone on, then I've been rather "successful" with the internet dating. I am an American that has lived and worked in London for just over four years as a literary agent. In the US I was very successful with men, but here it seems that though I have long dates that go on for hours with laughter, interesting conversation, and sometimes even a kiss, the men never want to see me again!

The problem is that I never seem - at least in Britain - to be able to get past the first date!

I am not the only American woman that has the problem, as several of my fellow countrywomen complain of the same thing with the lovely men of these shores. Back home a date that stretched on - by the man's own suggestion, not mine - from drinks, to dinner, to after dinner coffee, with conversation throughout - and then possibly even a good-night kiss would mean he was interested in at least getting to know the woman better! But the trend seems to be that I will let a few days go by, then drop a text or email thanking him for the date - I won't suggest another date myself, as I have been told that is too forward for British men - only to be told "I didn't feel that spark" or something similar. It is really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

This has happened 20-30 times. I am not exaggerating. I am not aggressive or pushy or shy or any of the stereotypical things that would turn a man off. It seems that I can engage in good conversation and emails, even telephone conversations prior to the dates ... I'm not a supermodel, but I'm also fairly attractive. I am 5'3" tall with long dark hair and a size 12 - just as pretty and about the same size as most women walking around London. I'm complimented regularly on my fashion sense and dress well, sexy but not revealing. So I'm not sure that appearance is the issue... but I suppose it could be! That is the only thing that is starting to make sense, which is of course not helping with the confidence issues developing from all of these first-date only experiences.

I am hoping that Parship will be different, given the Personality Profile Test and it's matching capabilities. Thus far I have had 2 "First Date Wonder" experiences with Parship and tonight I have a date scheduled that I am rather hopeful about... he seems very nice.

Any advice that you could offer would be much appreciated.

Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Jenny

I don't think your appearance is the issue at all. You may not be everyone's type but you are certainly pretty enough for plenty of people to fancy you.

One issue is probably a cultural one. Dating is something very new to Britain which has come about mainly as a result of internet dating. Before that, hardly anyone went on dates, or if they did, it was just the one date, which changed a relationship from a friendship to a romantic one. British people like to pretend they are 'just friends' until the relationship becomes physical so even if they arrange to go out together alone, they don't call it a date -that would be too risky -you'd be telling someone you're interested in them before you know whether they like you back. Most people go out in groups in pubs and bars and when somebody is attracted to someone, they stay behind together and chat, eventually someone plucks up the courage to kiss the other one (usually this phase is aided by copious amount of alcohol, so that if rejected they can explain themselves by saying they were drunk), and after this happens a few times they call themselves a couple. I realise this may be hard to believe but if you ask any British women who have been in a serious relationship for the last 4-5 years they'll tell you -most people don't remember ever having been on a date and certainly not more than one or two.

All this means that British men don't really know what they're supposed to do with dates and may not even consider themselves to be on a date. There are no set of rules that everybody knows and interprets in the same way -except that women are expected to buy rounds of drinks same as the men, and they should offer to split the bill at a restaurant. Also British men are shy and they expect women to take the initiative, so a mere kiss goodnight could be interpreted as quite dismissive. British men are also less sexist than most other men and less likely to jump to conclusions about women being 'easy'. I completely disagree with the idea that suggesting a second date would seem 'too forward' I suspect it may often be the only way to get anywhere. The absence of a 'spark' that you mentioned could be because they interpret your behaviour as cool or uptight (how's that for reversing stereotypes?). Also, because 'dating' is not part of British culture, a lot of men view dates as a one-off interview and if by the end of it they don't think they will fall in love you, or sleep with you they don't see any point in asking you out again.

It is also possible that you may come across as a little bit 'hard work' or 'high maintenance' and British men certainly don't like that. This could be purely because you have certain justified expectations of how a man ought to behave on a date but even simple things, like booking a table, arranging a place to meet can seem to them like hard work. It could also be that while you are excellent company when you are with your friends, when you are on a date you are nervous and behave quite differently. This is obviously true for everyone but it may be more true for you, especially if you feel that you are being unsuccessful.

It could also be your choice of men. Any chance that the men you date have an inflated opinion of themselves? There are plenty of men out there who consider themselves too good for mere mortals and who enjoy going out on streams of first dates feeling very proud of themselves for not 'settling' for anyone who they think is below their standard. Clearly, not being asked out by them a second time is not a great loss.

So to sum up, my advice is avoid arrogant men and when you go on a date, don't have very high expectations and be relaxed -treat it more like two mates going out for a drink. If you like someone, make sure he knows it -Britain is not the place to try out THE RULES.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

I'm not attracted to their photo, but loved their emails - am I judging people too quickly?

Dear Nafsika,

I've been in contact with another member for around 3 weeks now and exchanged around 20 emails. Recently we decided to release our photos to each other. Although things have been going quite well in the emails i don't think there is going to be any physical attraction there.

Do you think it is best to be honest about this as I don't want to destroy somebody's confidence. It would seem a bit abrupt after sharing so much contact.

Many Thanks
Gavin

Dear Gavin

It's definitely better to be honest and say that you do not think the physical attraction is there, rather than suddenly stop emailing altogether. However I would also warn against being certain that there would be no attraction on the basis of one photo - a lot of people don't put up very good photos of themselves. Many members are too shy to ask others to help them take photos for an online dating site and they are not able to take a very good picture by themselves. So they put up whatever picture they can find and sometimes the result is not terribly flattering.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

Is my honesty putting men off?

Dear Nafsika

A few months ago I was in contact with a man who suddenly deleted me. Then he came back on the site and I sent him a totally over the top email which he read, contemplated and rejected (and who can blame him). I am becoming incredibly discouraged and I know I am contributing to my failure rate, but it is getting me down. Maybe I should take a break for a while and give myself time?

I take men as meaning what they say when they say they don't want women who play games. I don't play games, I tell them what I expect from them and what they can expect from me, and they tell me I am laying down too many rules. How can it be too many rules when all I want them to do is acknowledge contact and let me know if they will be out of contact for a while?

Becky

Dear Becky

Don't be so hard on yourself! Who amongst us hasn't sent the odd mad email when feeling rejected? It may not have done any good, but in all probability even if you had sent a perfectly sensible email, the result would have been the same. People don't usually change their minds.

My view on the games/ rules thing is this: you can't control other people (although obviously it would be great if you could). Playing games, like pretending to be hard to get, when you're not, or telling people precisely what you expect from them are both attempts to control the uncontrollable -how people will react to you, whether they will fancy you and whether they will treat you right. Ultimately all these techniques are doomed to fail -if someone is rude, megalomaniac, emotionally unavailable, generally unreliable or has unrealistic expectations of other people, they're not going to change because you, a virtual stranger, told them to. The only thing you have any control over is how you present yourself and by that I just mean by being yourself but on a good day. Having some self-awareness about what makes you happy and what doesn't, and where you draw the line between a relationship which is worthwhile and a relationship which isn't, also comes in handy. Otherwise, making demands to someone before you are even in a relationship is pointless.

If you're not having fun maybe you should take a break -you don't want to become cynical. Luck will always play a part in finding love, whatever means you use, don't take the lack of success too personally.

Best Wishes,

Nafsika

Can distance and children be a problem in a new relationship?

Dear Nafsika,

I've been on Parship for a week or so and am chatting to a couple of nice ladies. I was wondering a couple of things. Firstly there is one lady who lives in Oxford, with me in Bath this seems like a long distance. Would you say it's worth pursuing?

Secondly, I have a son of 15 from my first relationship who lives away from me. Do you think this is a potential problem to people? I do mention him as being very important to me, which he is, but should I tone it down a bit to seem more available?

Thanks,

Tony

Dear Tony

Firstly I don't think that having a son is a major problem -clearly it will put some people off because some people are very inflexible about what they're looking for but most people will not mind especially since he's fairly grown up. Nor do I think you need to tone down your comments about how important he is to you, most people would rather date a good father than a bad father!

The issue about distance is a very personal one. I would always advise in favour of pursuing things because if people like each other enough, that sort of distance becomes immaterial. But it's up to you.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

How do you write a good profile to attract the right type of person?

Dear Nafsika

Are there any initial recommendation? I am about to create my profile. I have tried internet dating before and I end up with people with whom I am not compatible.

Sophie

Dear Sophie

Hopefully, the psychometric testing will ensure that the partners who are suggested to you are suitable. However, internet dating is also a numbers game, and the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone you really like.

My advice is to try and make the 'about me' section as original, interesting and entertaining as you can while remaining honest. Try to avoid writing the things that appear on the website most often -liking walks by the sea or hating people who are arrogant and rude. These things are true for most of us and therefore lose their significance as a way of working out whether someone is likely to click with you.

It's also a good idea to expand your age search criteria significantly (I would suggest a 20 year range) and to be as active as possible, so send out 10-15 contact requests to begin with and then another 5-6 every week.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

Should I reveal my real name in an email?

Dear Nafsika
I have started communicating with 2 of my contacts and they have asked me my name. Do you think it is too soon to tell them?

Best Wishes, Teresa

Dear Teresa

No, I don't think it's too soon. People get to know each other by asking each other for information and it's natural for people to want to know who they're talking to.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

I don't think I'm fussy but I judge a book by its cover...

Dear Nafsika,

I've been a member of Parship for 2 months now but I've not been having a great deal of success. I haven't met with any of my contacts, for one reason or another - they fizzle away eventually, or seem incompatible with me or simply not my type.

I had been in fairly lengthy contact with someone by email, but he has mysteriously ceased contact despite beginning to organise when to meet, leaving me a little confused. That's part and parcel of online dating, I suppose, albeit a bit rude, but I feel discouraged by my lack of positive outcomes.

I consider myself to be reasonably attractive and an interesting person, and I suppose I am quite selective about who I hook up with. I've been on a dating site before and learnt from tried and tested experience that I have an accurate idea, within a few minutes of meeting someone, of whether or not a relationship has any potential, and naturally those whose photos fit a certain expectation in my mind tend to fare better. So I tend to trust my gut feeling. I totally accept Parship's approach to matching people up on the basis of personality rather than physical appearance, but I'm reluctant to meet anyone who doesn't come close to that fit, as I don't want to upset or disappoint them, or be disappointed myself.

I feel a bit like I've dug myself into a hole! Do you have any advice for me? E.g. is there anything one should avoid during first contact by email? What can I do differently? Any advice would be great!

Thanks, I look forward to your reply,
Caroline

Dear Caroline,

You have a great profile and beautiful pictures. Nothing to worry about there. Don't be too disappointed that this one man hasn't been in touch. The most likely explanation is that he had a date with someone else which went really well and he has forgotten about everyone else for the time being. As you said a bit rude, but nothing personal.

I suspect that the problem is that you are a little too quick to decide that someone's not right. Most people have an overpowering sense that they know straight away when they meet someone but in reality all they judge in those first minutes is how confident someone is and how good they are at presenting themselves and neither of these traits are that important for a relationship in real life. To draw a parallel it's a bit like the difference between being good at job interviews and being good at a job - some people are rubbish at job interviews but do really well in an actual job (and the other way round of course).

Apart from that, I'd say keep being active on the site, don't rely on the contact requests you receive, but send lots of emails, icebreakers and look at lots of people's profiles.

Best Wishes, Nafsika

When I meet women I just don't seem to be attracted to them. Is it my personality?

Dear Nafsika

I found my test results both interesting and very accurate. I get on tremendously well with my suggested partners by e-mail and telephone but "face to face" seems to destroy all the previously perceived attraction that I had created. (I am not bad looking by the way).

Could this be anything to do with the fact that until I was about 50 years old I was extrovert and since then I appear to be coming more introvert? If so, do you have any advice on how I can correct this situation?

A point worth mentioning is - I don't think that I have externally shown any grief after the death of my wife last year, although we were happy together for 15 years of marriage.

Any help you can suggest would be more than appreciated.

Thank you in advance. Michael

Dear Michael

Firstly, I'd say that you shouldn't worry too much about a few dates not leading to second dates, as this is often the case. According to one study, only about 1 in 7 first dates leads to a second date. It's not because you do something wrong that stops somebody from being attracted to you, it's more that on email and on the phone, people built up a kind of fantasy of what the other person is like (it's easy because they don't know that much about them) and the real person turns out not to be quite like they imagined.

I don't think that being an introvert is a problem in itself -it depends on why you think you are becoming more introverted. Do you think that you might be a little depressed? That wouldn't be unusual especially considering that your wife died recently. If that's the case, you may want to consider doing something about it in terms of seeking some support or treatment although it may also pass naturally with time. Or maybe you feel it's the opposite -becoming introverted can also be a sign of confidence and contentment if you feel that your previous extroversion was actually related to trying to meet the expectations of others rather than your own. In terms of attractiveness, introversion is not a problem but depression and lack of confidence can be.

Best Wishes, Nafsika


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